Predictors for Divorce

This week was part two of parenting. What interest me the most was the discussion on the predictors for divorce. Perhaps it is because I want to do everything I can to make sure my marriage is as happy as can be. Or maybe it is because I want to be able to inform others. Either way, It is my topic for today. One of the predictors for divorce can be how religious a couple is. Usually, the more religious a couple is, the less likely they are to divorce. Part of this could be due to the fact that they have strong morals and values. Most religions also put an emphasis on good marriages as well. Those whose parents have been divorced increases their chance of divorce as well. This could be because they never learned how to problem solve well, or maybe that is how they think a relationship works. Prior divorce also increases the risk. Our textbook said that some divorced people expect their new spouse to have the qualities that their former spouse did not, therefore having too high of expectations. They may also look for a spouse who was much like their former spouse, though not knowing it. Either of these could cause another tension and a troublesome relationship. 

Parenting

This week was all about parenting. What stuck out to me the most were the different type of parenting styles. The first is Autocratic, or Authoritarian. This style is well known for being strict, giving children pressure and few choices of their own, and giving direction. In this type of parenting, The child usually chooses to rebel against their parents or receives no responsibility, and as a result, doesn't learn to take care of themselves. The second parenting style is known as Permissive. These parents usually want to be their child's best friend and gives little to no discipline. Their children tend to be attention-seeking and wonder if their parents ever really cared about them. The third parenting style is Active, or Authoritative. These parents usually have a great balance of control and choices for their children. Of course, children in this situation tend to be most stable and well adjusted. Parents will listen to their children and give them choices, but will also give consequences and discipline when needed. These parents show love and respect to their children, while still maintaining control and respect from them.

Finance

This week in class, family finance was the topic of discussion. We read a talk by Elder Marvin J. Ashton called "One for the Money." He mentions several points in money management, but the one that stuck out to me the most was to learn self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters. This was probably one of the hardest concepts for me when I first came out to school. Back in high school, I had a job and made enough money to pay tithing, save some, and the rest on whatever I wanted. However, when I came up to BYU-I, I did not have a job, therefore I lived off of my savings. It became really hard for me to retrain myself to only buy the things that were necessary. After some budgeting and self-discipline, I was able to use my money wisely. It was a long hard journey, but I felt so good knowing that I learned how to live on a low budget. These skills have helped me when I got married. My husband and I both are able to live on a budget, and are careful to remember when and when not to splurge. I plan on teaching my children from a very early age how to self-discipline themselves and put it into action.

The Council Method

I absolutely love the council method. In class, I learned all about the way the church councils and how it benefits everybody. When the prophet and the twelve meet for councils (every Thursday at the Salt Lake Temple) they come early to greet and express love to one another. When it is time to start, they have a prayer to invite the spirit. After this, the brethren will council together using the Lord's will, not their own opinion. The prophet will start, and then each councilor, followed by the twelve, in order. This gives everyone the chance to speak, and if inspired, introduce changes or a new idea. If a change occurs, the men will then start over and make their way around the circle again. Once finished, they have another prayer, and "break bread" with some chocolate.
I love this method. My husband use it, and I find that it helps us to each have a say and calmly work out a current issue or just have some time to plan out a hectic week. I want to continue using the council method as our family grows. I think this will help everyone to grow closer together while teaching our children the importance of respect and orderly discussion.  

Family Crisis

In class, Brother Williams taught that there are two words that describe a crisis: danger and opportunity. I found this fascinating because I had never really taken much thought to a crisis within a family. When a family finds themselves in a crisis, they have the advantage to choose to make it an opportunity to grow and learn, or to let it endanger their family relations. There are three factors that go into the experience of a family crisis, known as the ABCX. A is the actual event. Some of these are preventable, some are not. B is the behavioral response to the event. C is the cognition, the way we think or view the event. All these add up to equal X, the experience. Our behavioral response and view on the crisis largely effect each other. Hopefully, we think before we act. This gives the opportunity to think positively about the crisis and find different solutions, not to mention, try to stay positive.
 We also learned that a crisis can be almost anything. From buying a house, to losing a family member, everything depends on how the situation is handled. Hopefully, in the future, I will remember to stay positive and turn dangers into opportunities.

Emotional Fidelity

Everyone knows that having an affair is morally wrong and hurtful to their spouse. However, there are many who do not protect themselves from emotional affairs. Making an emotional connection with someone can be easier than one thinks. Once you become emotionally attached, you are more likely to give yourself sexually to this person. This can be very dangerous and hard to avoid if you don't look out for it. For example, coworkers of the opposite sex may have to spend time alone together to get a work project done, or ride in a car together. However impossible it seems to avoid doing things together with the opposite sex that isn't your spouse, try to avoid it as much as possible. Where there's a will, there's a way! In class, we discussed how it is so important to keep private subjects between husband and wife. If some vents to a coworker, they may receive validation, which, in return, can form emotional attachments. You could then be wondering why your spouse isn't more like so-and-so. This is the reason for so many affairs -- emotional attachment. We also discussed how important it is to put boundaries on friendships when you start to date someone seriously. Your spouse should be the most important person to you, they are your best friend. This is why your best buddy when you were single no longer receives the attention that should be allotted to your spouse. It is so important to respect your spouse and any problems they may have concerning the opposite sex.

Having Children

Research shows that when a couple starts having children, their marital happiness starts to decline. This doesn't happen with all couples, and it often happens to those who least expect it. I found in class that there might be some sort of secret to help prevent this kind of decline. What most often happens when a couple has a child is that the wife starts to have a very special bond with the baby, and somewhat leaves the husband out. The husband will feel under appreciated when the wife is constantly leaving her attention with their child. To avoid having the marriage satisfaction decline, couples need to include the father during pregnancy. A wife can do this by taking the husband to doctor appointments, letting him feel the baby kick, and while the wife is having the baby, the husband and wife should be the only ones in the delivery room. This is a special time for them to experience the birth of their child together, and to bond with the new addition to the family. The couple also needs to make sure to talk to each other. A lot of wives will go to their mom for pregnancy questions and concerns. While this is okay for some things, they also need to include the husband. 
After the baby is born, I think it is important to let the husband bond with the baby. He should be able to change some diapers and feed them. The wife should keep from correcting him while doing it as well. It is most important that the couple continue to date after they have children. This will let them have time to themselves and get to catch up.

Marriage vs Cohabitation

When most people think of cohabiting, they think of how it prepares you for marriage and tests the relationship with their partner. It can only benefit you right? That is where most people are wrong. I learned in class that research does not show any benefits from cohabiting. Some of the findings were:

• Married couples have a better quality relationship than cohabiting couples, especially those cohabiting who don't plan on marrying
• Married couples report more sex and more satisfying sex than cohabiting couples
• Married couples show more commitment, greater happiness, and a better relationship with their parents
• Marriages are more stable and durable
• Children that are born to a cohabiting couple are five times more likely than those born to married couples to experience parental separation.

To most, it seems very logical to cohabit before, or instead of, marriage. However, research shows otherwise. Besides, cohabitation is growing to the point where it is more common than marriage. It can be difficult to go straight from being single to marriage. A lot of couples think of cohabiting as a way to bridge the gap from being single to being married. This brings them comfort and they think they will be more stable and ready for marriage. However, let there be a caution to the consequences of such an unstable union.

Family Roles

When most people think of different roles within the family, they tend to point out mom, dad, and kids, as if those are actually roles themselves. The truth is that a woman or man have so many different roles within being a husband and father, wife and mother. A husband is typically the main provider, protector, and will preside over the family. A wife tends to be the caregiver, nurturer, and cook within a family. Children can play different roles as the one who sacrifices for other siblings, the peacemaker, and so forth. Often these roles can change within families. For example, my youngest sister was the peacemaker in my family for a long time. A few years ago, after many of us had left home, she was seemingly out of a job because no one was around to fight. She soon became somewhat of a trouble maker. My parents had to remind her to stay out of trouble. There are many other role that can change in the family as well. Often, a wife and husband both have to take up jobs and provide for their family. Or, if a father is not home much, the mother will take take the leadership position over the family. There are so many combinations and roles that a family can have, and no two families are alike.

Family Culture

This week in class, we discussed a great deal of culture and the different types of culture that everyone belongs to. There are so many different types of culture and we often find ourselves judging others on what we think their culture is. For example, we think of where the person is from, their religious affiliation, education, occupation, etc as part of a person's culture. The mistake that people make, including myself, is that they often isolate one of these cultures and base a judgment on that individual culture alone. We all belong to different cultures and they are often mixed due to our various life experiences.

Something I found very interesting that I had never thought of before, is that everyone has their own family culture. No matter we we live or what we believe, everyone has a different way of living, thinking, and doing within their own family. We could all be affiliated with the same church, but think about our church differently because of the family culture we belong to. I have many friends, but if I say something, it could mean something completely different than what they think because that is the meaning my family gives it. It is amazing that every single family has its own individual culture within it, and many people do not even realize it.

Boundaries

In my Family Relations class, we discussed the different types of boundaries that appear in a family. The three types of boundaries are rigid, defuse, and clear. If I take just a husband and wife, for example, and put a rigid boundary around them, there would not be much getting in or out. There are too strict of walls around a rigid relationship. The couple are very closed off from the world. They might go to extremes and be overly protective about what comes in and out of their home, relationship, and lives in general. This couple may not have many friends, because they do not let them in. They tend to stick to themselves and are very watchful of each other. On the other hand, there are defuse boundaries. If this same couple had a defuse boundary, they may be too free with rules and the set up of their marriage. They may not care who their spouse is friends with or when or where they go out. They might live what seems to be somewhat separate lives. The "rules" are not clearly seen. This type of relationship can be said as too care free or unorganized. The couples have not established strict enough boundaries on what they can or cannot do. A clear boundary is what a marriage wants to obtain. They know what and whatnot to do to make each other comfortable. For example, a spouse can have a friend of the opposite sex, but they know not to let their relationship become too intimate.

Every family has boundaries and they can differ depending on the relationship. A husband and wife can have a clear boundary with each other, but a rigid or defused boundary with their children. Perhaps they have a rigid boundary with one child, but a clear boundary with another. Once I learned this, I started looking at the boundaries within my family. It was amazing to me how they have changed throughout the years and how easily I can pick them out among my family members. I now strive to have clear boundaries and a close relationship with all members in my family.

Family Trends

In my Family Relations class, we have begun to talk about some of the latest family trends. To be honest, some of it is a little scary to me. For example, over the past decade or so, premarital sex, cohabitation, and the number of unmarried mothers have increased. I feel that the value of family is fading away in our country and is becoming more like those in other countries.There are many who are afraid of marrying because they fear divorce. Instead they cohabit to "test their chances." Most of these couple never end up marrying, just simply living together until they give up and move on to someone new. Most women enter cohabitation expecting to marry eventually. Most men, however, do not. I have been married, without cohabiting first, and it has been the best time of my life. Of course it is not easy; there are bills and disagreements, but we love each other. Our lives revolve around each other and I love that. We depend on each other, make decisions with each other, and we make each other genuinely happy. If only those who fear this, could see how great and truly amazing marriage is. I hope that the rest of the world will overcome their fears and realize how great marriage is. Of course it is not an easy road, but it is a happy and rewarding one.

Good Marriage

"A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."
                                                                           -Dallin H. Oaks